So I don’t even know if I should be writing today because emotionally I’m feeling very distraught and anxious, and that tends to really shape my words in a negative way, but I also know in this mood I am the most honest I can get with myself, and others really.
I woke up this morning with knots in my stomache, and an ache in my heart that I can’t cure, not even with positive thinking. As far as days go, I know that today I will feel like this until I fall asleep again. If I fall asleep that is. Have you ever just felt sorrow, in your whole body, reflected as real pain? I feel it in my muscles, my bones, my skin… Sometimes I want to rip my soul out of my body because it would be easier than having to control this feeling of utter hopelessness. I don’t know what’s happened to me this year, I don’t know why it’s so apparent. I always put things in perspective, determine life is only as bad as you make it, try to remain optomistic, but there is this dark wretched side to me that is fighting to stay, every single waking moment. Sometimes, I find the strength to overcome that with positive reinforcement and by putting my energy into others and ignoring myself, but we all know that’s no permanent fix. Then there are the days where I can’t seem to pull out from under that bus.
Everyone knows the concept of Ying and Yang, dark and light, how one cannot exist without the other, but what happens when one tries to take over the other? When your life becomes a battlefield and your mind is the prize? It’s funny to me when people get irritated with me for any measure of negativity I have, because in truth, how can anyone else know the blows you have taken in life. Even if you tell them, they still don’t fully grasp the amount of pain that you felt during those times, or why you feel that way. People are resiliant for sure, having no one else around them that truly 100 percent feels them down to the very core of their being. We are not alone, but we are. Depressing as that may sound, it also speaks to the strength of every one of us. Literally getting up for another day is a huge accomplishment, and then actually going out there with a good attitude and doing good for others?! That’s astronomical.
My point is, that I don’t understand why life is so complicated, why emotions are so painful, and so hard to control. Every person is different. Some people are better equipped to stuff everything down and just go about their lives, some people can’t get up the next day, and then there’s the rest of us, floating around trying to find answers to God only knows what, feeling empty, like only pieces of a person instead of something whole. Trying to find purpose because that’s the only way we could actually survive. Life is complicated, but it’s simple, and in order to get by the complications you must simplify. That’s how I do everything, I break life down into it’s gears and then build the clock, because I can’t comprehend the clock, only its disassembled moving parts.
Soft Clock by Salvador Dali
I am full of sorrow, but there was a time that I was full of joy, I want that balance back, the balance between sorrow and joy, between dark and light, between hope and hopelessness.
Between life…
and death.
Your faithful friend,
Kymlee
Sounds like you had a Tough Day when you Wrote this
I feel what brings on the Biggest Sorrow for me in any given moment, is generally an Echo from something from the Past
Positive Thinking is a good thing, but I think it’s What’s Most Important is “Identifying” Where the Sorrow is Coming from… And then Sorting/Separating it out in your head… Knowing Why you feel the way you do, is half the Battle of Depression…
“Knowing”, in my Experience, helps the Feelings to Pass through me quicker… Make sure you don’t just “Shove” Old Bad Feelings away Via Positive Thinking… It may be a Temporary Fix, but it’s not likely to help you as much as “Identifying” where the feelings come from, and trying to figure out a way to make piece with them.
If it’s something really Horrible from your Past, and it brings up “Anger”, then Feel Anger… Write 50 Pages about why you’re still Angry about whatever it is, and then Rip up the Pages, and Throw them away… It’s a Good Exercise of Letting Go
Remember, For Humans, Things are Remembered on a “Cellular” Level… Not just Mental Memories, but “Body Memory”… You’re Right, Humans are very Complicated, and Life is Both Complicated, and Simple… But like I say, I feel that it’s better to Feel The Bad Things, Identify Them if you can, Express yourself in some way about them, and let Time Help you get through it…
Good Luck with your Tougher Moments, and I’m sorry for The Traumas you may have Been Through that sometimes “Echo” through your System… In My Experience, it’s definitely better to Know What, and Why You’re Feeling something… Than it is just to Chase it away with Positivity… More Personal Growth is likely to come from “Integrating” All that you’ve been through, than “Denying”, or “Ignoring” that you’ve actually been through it… And that it Sucked, Lol
Good Luck Kymlee
DarkJade-
I did indeed… They come and go, the tough moments… You have a lot of good advice, I appreciate it man. The Anger thing is pretty hard to let go. Anger and more bluntly, Rage has permeated every part of my life since childhood, so it’s like resetting an entire way of thinking, breathing, living… you know?
Thanks for the words of encouragement James, you’re the best.
Kymlee
You’re welcome… Anger is tough… I can’t imagine what it would feel like to have had things happen at such a young age, that the anger is with you for years…
Must be exhausting sometimes
I never had to deal with anger really until I went through some trauma back in 2003… Then I would just have these moments come up where I just felt angry, for no apparent reason…
It was really uncomfortable for me, as I had never really been a very angry person… I had always been a pretty quiet, shy guy… But the Trauma created all this deep anger, that basically had to slowly come out for several years afterwards…
I researched anger during that time, just to try and understand it… And what I found out, and what helped me, was that one of the keys to anger is “figuring out what you need” at that given moment…
What you need can be, sleep, or a hug, or a sandwich, or just some silence, yah know…
When I got angry, I would take a moment and try to figure out what it was I needed… And once I did, the anger seemed to slowly subside… It’s a trip, reprogramming for sure…
But a life time of anger like you say, then you have to battle with the fact that it’s basically part of your identity… Which means, you basically have to rebuild who you are to a degree, via habits I guess…
Tough… But, like I say, it’s good to let yourself feel it when it comes up.
I feel yah man, carry on, you’re a great one… With a huge heart to boot… So who you are really, above and beyond the/your anger, gives you one hell of an advantage when it comes to dealing with it, I would imagine it.
Be good to yourself whenever you can, it’s one of the best things you can do to combat past difficulties, and echoes from the past.
Treat yourself, the way you’d like to be treated by others… Be kind to the kind, yah know
Peace
DarkJade-