So I don’t even know if I should be writing today because emotionally I’m feeling very distraught and anxious, and that tends to really shape my words in a negative way, but I also know in this mood I am the most honest I can get with myself, and others really.
I woke up this morning with knots in my stomache, and an ache in my heart that I can’t cure, not even with positive thinking. As far as days go, I know that today I will feel like this until I fall asleep again. If I fall asleep that is. Have you ever just felt sorrow, in your whole body, reflected as real pain? I feel it in my muscles, my bones, my skin… Sometimes I want to rip my soul out of my body because it would be easier than having to control this feeling of utter hopelessness. I don’t know what’s happened to me this year, I don’t know why it’s so apparent. I always put things in perspective, determine life is only as bad as you make it, try to remain optomistic, but there is this dark wretched side to me that is fighting to stay, every single waking moment. Sometimes, I find the strength to overcome that with positive reinforcement and by putting my energy into others and ignoring myself, but we all know that’s no permanent fix. Then there are the days where I can’t seem to pull out from under that bus.
Everyone knows the concept of Ying and Yang, dark and light, how one cannot exist without the other, but what happens when one tries to take over the other? When your life becomes a battlefield and your mind is the prize? It’s funny to me when people get irritated with me for any measure of negativity I have, because in truth, how can anyone else know the blows you have taken in life. Even if you tell them, they still don’t fully grasp the amount of pain that you felt during those times, or why you feel that way. People are resiliant for sure, having no one else around them that truly 100 percent feels them down to the very core of their being. We are not alone, but we are. Depressing as that may sound, it also speaks to the strength of every one of us. Literally getting up for another day is a huge accomplishment, and then actually going out there with a good attitude and doing good for others?! That’s astronomical.
My point is, that I don’t understand why life is so complicated, why emotions are so painful, and so hard to control. Every person is different. Some people are better equipped to stuff everything down and just go about their lives, some people can’t get up the next day, and then there’s the rest of us, floating around trying to find answers to God only knows what, feeling empty, like only pieces of a person instead of something whole. Trying to find purpose because that’s the only way we could actually survive. Life is complicated, but it’s simple, and in order to get by the complications you must simplify. That’s how I do everything, I break life down into it’s gears and then build the clock, because I can’t comprehend the clock, only its disassembled moving parts.
Soft Clock by Salvador Dali
I am full of sorrow, but there was a time that I was full of joy, I want that balance back, the balance between sorrow and joy, between dark and light, between hope and hopelessness.
Your faithful friend,